How to get over a shy guy
I get tons of emails asking me about flirting tips for women and especially how to get a shy guy to come out of his shell. Well, with a shy guy you have to be more available, take the lead more often and maybe even give him the first kiss. Keep in mind, however, that he needs to be responding very positively to each of your moves. If he plays sports, go watch. Be there as he finishes a marathon.SEE VIDEO BY TOPIC: THE SHY GUY BIBLE!!! (Plus Sephora GIVEAWAY!)
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10 Surefire Dating Tips For Shy Guys That Will Get You The Girl
Dating advice is outside the scope of this site, with this article being a semi-exception. Over the years several women have written me to tell me reading this site has helped them understand the actions of a shy guy they were pursuing. With that in mind I thought I'd try to be even more helpful and write a whole article outlining what it's like to be a man who's really shy and inexperienced with women.
At the end I give a few thoughts on what to do if there's a shy guy in your life you're interested in. Combined, the points below will describe a guy who's really, really inhibited and awkward around women.
Not all shy men will have issues that intense or have every characteristic apply to them. I'll list some quick suggestions at the end, but for the most part I'll describe the issues shy guys deal with and let you draw your own conclusions about how to act. As with all the other writing on this site, the points here are from a mix of my own experience and accounts I've come across of how shy guys say they think.
I also wrote a follow up to this article on some of the unique issues shy women struggle with. I'll break this down further below, but their central problem is that they're just really anxious , scared, and inhibited around women.
Almost all men get a little nervous when they have to ask a woman out, or kiss her, or even talk to her for the first time. But when a guy is really shy his nervousness is at a level where it usually prevents him from doing any of those things. It's legitimately strong, not something where they can just take a deep breath and push through it. Sometimes this nervousness shows up as the physical symptoms of anxiety.
At other times it's more of a powerful, paralyzing hesitation. Like they know how they want to act, but an invisible force field is preventing them from doing so. This could mean feeling too anxious to start a conversation with an attractive stranger they've just noticed at a party.
It can also be longer term. Some shy guys, especially younger ones, have had a crush on someone for years and years, and have never worked up the nerve to talk to her. The occasional time that someone they fancy talks to them first they often get too flustered, and the resulting brief conversation consists of some stuttered half-coherent answers on their part. That's not to say a shy guy won't sometimes be able to chat to someone he's into, but it's relatively rare.
Sometimes they just won't get nervous around her for whatever mysterious reason. At other time they can force themselves to do it, but they're a total mess inside the whole time. One problem that can plague shyer guys is that sometimes their nervousness doesn't appear when they first meet a woman, but comes back to bite them soon after. Initially they manage to come off as calm and charming and make a good impression, but then fall apart when the stakes get higher. The reason this happens is that when they first run into that woman she's new and they haven't had time to overthink things and attach any nervous feelings to her.
They'll come away from the interaction feeling excited and optimistic about where things may lead. However now they have a reason to feel pressured and jittery around her, and that's exactly what happens.
The scenario then goes in one of the following directions: He's too nervous to talk to her again He does talk to her, but is such a withdrawn, obvious wreck that she's not interested He talks to her, but is too nervous to be himself, ends up acting like a goofball, and shoots himself in the foot He's so nervous that at that immediate moment escaping the anxious symptoms takes precedence over anything else, and he acts rude or aloof toward her to purposely sabotage his chance.
This 'setting them up, but not following through' scenario can happen to different degrees. The first is when a guy simply sees a woman around a few times and makes confident eye contact with her.
She seems attracted and intrigued and like she's waiting for him to approach her. He sees this, gets nervous, and never conjures up the guts to speak to her. Another variation is when a guy runs into a woman, say because he sits beside her in a lecture, chats to her for a bit, and comes off well.
She seems interested. Enter the pressure. He can't work up the nerve to talk to her another time. A third scenario might be something more drawn-out, like a guy has a few conversations with a woman he never really thought of as more than someone friendly to talk to.
He notices she seems like she's becoming attracted to him, and he blows things soon after. Sometimes a guy will be able to talk to a woman he's interested in, often because the circumstances put them together, so the onus wasn't on him to approach anyone. If they like someone they'll often feel too nervous to ask her out and face the awkwardness and risk of rejection that entails.
They may never ask her out, or put it off so long that by the time they do the moment has passed. Even with all of the above stacked against them, a shyer, inexperienced guy will sometimes have enough things go their way that they end up in a position where they're alone with a woman and want to 'make a move' on them e. Unsurprisingly, they're really nervous and hesitant about this as well. Same general discomfort and risk of rejection.
They may have a blatant, all-systems-go opportunity where the woman is clearly interested, but they can't manage to go through with it. There they are, sitting on a couch watching a movie with their date when the credits start to roll. She turns to face him, looking into his eyes expectantly. He returns her gaze and pauses for a moment, and a little longer, and a bit longer still Afterward he's kicking himself for being so spineless.
He was trying to work up the nerve to kiss her all evening, and kept wondering if now was the right time to do it, but in the end he couldn't pull the trigger. One key fear guys have in this situation is if they're sexually inexperienced they're worried their embarrassing secret will be outed, and they'll be humiliated. They may think something like, "I've never kissed a woman. I don't know what I'm doing.
What if she can tell I've never done this before? And when you're really inexperienced yourself it seems that's pretty much every woman. Part of this comes from a belief that no woman would be interested in a shy guy if she's had already had a few boyfriends.
It also goes back to that point I mentioned in the last paragraph about them fearing their inexperience being outed. This hinders a shy guy in two ways.
First, they'll often rule out more obviously experienced women as prospects. Too scary. Only harmless, innocent-seeming women don't arouse their fears. But there are only so many women out there who are just as shy, innocent, and inexperienced as them, so it really cuts down their possibilities, and makes them put that much more pressure on themselves when they do find one who fits the description.
Secondly, if he's into a woman, and she seems into him, and she says something that draws attention to her comparatively higher level of experience e. She seems a lot more daunting now. And they figure, why would she want him? She has experience, he doesn't. It'd never work out. With time many anxious guys can slowly face their fears and gain enough experience with the opposite sex that they're not as held back by their anxiety as they used to be.
They can start dating like everyone else. However, they may always have a tougher time of it than some men. They're often late bloomers, since their nerves and general social awkwardness kept them from getting into the game as early as everyone else. Article continues below SPONSORED Free training: "How to double your social confidence in 5 minutes" On the link below you'll find a training series focused on how to feel at ease socially, even if you tend to overthink today.
It also covers how to avoid awkward silence, attract amazing friends, and why you don't need an "interesting life" to make interesting conversation. Click here to go to the free training. When a guy is shy and not confident about women insecure thoughts often flow through their heads in an effortless stream; "I'm hopeless. I'll never get better. I suck with women. I'm a loser. I'm not good looking enough.
There's no way that woman at work actually likes me. I totally screwed up with her the other day when I made that dumb joke. I give up. It's all quite self-sabotaging. First, a lack of confidence isn't all that attractive. Next, they can be hyper-alert for any signs of rejection, and almost eager to conclude the worst.
For example, if they're casually chatting to a woman and she mentions a TV show that he doesn't like, he may get deflated and think, "Ah man, she likes that show? There's no way she'll be into me now. Dammit, another prospect hasn't panned out. Story of my life. I'll never meet anyone. A lot of what I've mentioned so far hints at this. It's hard to explain, but almost unconsciously shy guys can have the attitude that in order to get a girlfriend the world has to send them one packaged in such a way that they won't feel anxious or have to do anything that pushes them out of their comfort zone.
They figure everything will finally work out one day when they stumble into a woman who naturally likes them, who they won't have to take the initiative to talk to, who they won't have to ask out, and who has the magic combination of qualities which ensures they never feel nervous around her.
It's also really common for shyer guys to fantasize about meeting a really forward, aggressive woman who makes all the scary moves for them. She asks him out, she kisses him first, etc. However, if a guy is really shy he may still balk in the face of someone so direct, and still blow his chance.
The idea that if they want a girlfriend they'll have to actively work on finding one, or that they'll have to learn to cope with their nervousness , isn't on the map.
Inside The Mind Of Guys Who Are Shy And Inexperienced With Women
Shy guys are often considered attractive because their quietness seems to indicate maturity, intelligence, or mystery. Instead, catch his attention by smiling at him during class or making eye contact with him during lunchtime. To strike up a conversation with your shy guy, try some casual comments about class or vaction plans. It would be fun if we could talk more.
And the worst part is that a shy guy may like you a lot, and still not do anything about it even if you make the first move. A shy guy may feel confident enough to sneak glances at you now and then, but he may be too timid to actually ask you out, or even initiate a conversation with you. Make the guy feel comfortable about exchanging glances and looking at you frequently. Stare at him often, and as soon as you catch his eye, look away and smile to yourself. Displaying your shy side will make him feel more comfortable with the idea of talking to you.
How to Deal With a Shy Guy in a Relationship
For some, being a shy guy is a curse. Trust me, I know the feeling. There was a time in my life when the sight of a beautiful girl unleashed a storm of butterflies in my stomach and I was in desperate need for a resource of dating tips for shy guys. You can relate, right? It sucks. First and foremost, my most important dating tip for shy guys is to own it! Trying to impersonate someone else will blow up in your face. And at the crux of attraction is authenticity.
How to Get a Shy Guy to Like You and Ask You Out
Shy guys tend to be observant, considerate and thoughtful. But it can be a challenge to date one at times. If your boyfriend clams up around your friends and family, avoids social outings or is too shy to express his feelings, you've got some challenges ahead, especially if you're an outgoing person yourself. Be patient, as shy guys need more time to adjust to new situations. If you let your shy guy take his time to open up, your bond will be even stronger.
You'll get a real rush from dating a guy who never interrupts you. Or, if he does, he immediately notices and says sorry. Being able to passionately talk without being cut off is borderline orgasmic.
16 Things I Wish I Knew Before Dating a Shy Guy